Unfamiliar feelings

If you met me in the past few weeks/months, sorry to tell you this, but most likely I was feeling constipated. Both mentally and okay, occasionally, literally. This little too much information was disclosed for a reason. It is why I haven't blogged for a very long time. Until now.

My lack of blogging probably bothered very few people, except Brian (Hello, Peterborough!). But it bothered me. It took me a very long time to figure out why I was so blocked. Yesterday it finally came to me when I sat down after a refreshing morning run... There has been a lot of unfamiliar feelings. That is why. The much-needed realization allows me to write this update to you. It is about time.

Back in May, Q and I flew to Cape Town, South Africa to attend our friend Gee's wedding. Yes, take note: we only befriend people with funny names like our own. It was my first time in Africa - allow me to ignorantly broaden this to the entire continent - and I was thrown into the deep end. With two warm and loving local families - I/we loved it! But staying with families also means deep in someone else's hair: we took a lot of effort to be good guests and adjusted to different family cultures. I managed to go for some runs while staying with Danielle and her adorable girls. It was a fenced-off golf course community living outside Cape Town. It was so deafening quiet at night that I got frightened from the automated sparklers going off. I am a little hesitant to use the South African expression here, but that is just my Canadian politically correct side freaking out: it was a "white" community.

Then we moved to stay with Gee's brother-in-law family, Deon and Karen, in Cape Town. It was a "colored" community. I was told not to run in the neighborhood. It was "a little risky". I don't want to come off as a racist, and you know I am not one. I only bring in the race topic because it is really a matter of fact in South Africa. In fact, it is in your face so much so that it would be wrong for me not to mention it. Read about colored in Wikipedia. I know many Americans and Canadians would most likely feel a bit uneasy with this topic - I know I was, but luckily the family adopted us into theirs with open arms, and that helped make me feel more at ease. The video below is me trying very badly to imitate Capetonian gangster walk and talk - thanks Brian (different Brian) for leading me. Again, I don't want to offend anyone, particularly not the Capetonian gangsters, with my silliness.

Click here if video does not play.

In June I was in China. I spent five weeks with my relatives. It was my first time in life spending so much time with my extended family alone, i.e. without parents or spouse. Just me. The dynamics was very tricky and rewarding. There was more interactions and I got to know my relatives much more and better. It was exactly what I needed and wanted, although very stuffy and overwhelming at times if you know what I mean.

University started in end of August, and of course it was easy since I have been away from university for only some 13 years... Not! Academic reading and writing was a tough learning curve for me. It still is, but it is getting better. There are 22 other individuals in the programme with 13 different nationalities - think many younger and more dynamic versions of me.

Group "sitting" (university campus dinner)

In October (this was previously incorrectly indicated as "November", my apologies) my father-in-law Bart passed away peacefully at his own home. He was surrounded by lots of love. In Bart's own words, he was "a Sunday's child". If you have to look up in a dictionary to see what the expression means - he got you and is probably gloating about it somewhere high above. It is a little too personal to discuss more at this point. A very unfamiliar feeling and I haven't got my head and heart around it yet.

Bart's study - very Bartish

Phew, so many unfamiliar feelings this year. Knowing me/us, we will likely continue having many changes and challenges. You see how I dropped running along the way as the cold and wet winter descended in Sweden. I recognize now that it is one of the easiest cures for constipation. My goal is to make plenty of runs in the new year and years to come. The number of blog postings will tell if I succeed or not. But what I loved about it is that I/we had the support and companion of all those we love - from Gee and Ali in Cape Town, to my cousins in China, to the pamily in Den Haag. We come together. Thank you.

Anyway the time now is 9 AM and it is time for a run. We wish you a Happy, not constipated,  2016!

So nice to have visitors especially family! :)

A Swedish Vacation and a Swedish Essay

Q and I took at a Swedish vacation during the past three weeks. What's a Swedish vacation, you ask? It means taking a summer course studying Swedish while living in a boarding school - yes, here in Sweden. We got to study Swedish language, watch Swedish movies, have Swedish conversations, eat Swedish food, meet Swedish residents... basically doing a lot of Swedish things. Okay, I know it sounds a bit overwhelming, but the course was super nerdy and cool - I loved it! (And Q survived his as well. At least I believe so. :)

My roommate Markella from Athens and I

For my class, each of the students were asked to write an essay on the topic of Mitt möte med Sverige (My meeting with Sweden) to enter a contest by Riksföreningen Sverigekontakt (National Society Sweden Contact), the hosting organizing agency. Guess who won? :) Actually I had a real hard time at first, but luckily I got inspired, and in the end I was very proud of what I came up with... Naturally now even more proud since it would get published in the organization's September magazine. So before my head gets any bigger, here it is. It is in Swedish first, then translated into English. I feel it is important to translate it instead of rewriting it because it is a better reflection of my Swedish train of thoughts, which seems to be still very wobbly, but it is getting there...

Me with my teacher and organization representative - I got three Swedish books as my prize - woohoo!

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Stigen upp för berget

Medan jag klättrade upp för det lilla berget mittemot Billströmska Folkhögskolan kunde jag inte låta bli att undra hur jag exakt hade kommit hit. Kanske planerades min utflykt när jag kom från Malmö för två veckor sedan? Eller kanske min kurs planerades när min man hittade ett jobb i det här gamla och vackra landet? Just det. Kanske mitt möte med Sverige planerades när jag träffade min man, en holländsk, i Kuba för flera år sedan. Det är precis hur jag, en kinesisk kanadensiska, hittade mig själv i mitten av Sverige, precis som livet har planerat. Livet rör sig på ett hemlighetsfullt sätt, eller hur?

Det var en fin och bekväm sommarkväll. Solen sken och en bris blåste längs stigen. Det kändes lätt – jag skulle orka det utan mycket kraft, tänkte jag. Det påminnande mig om mina första veckor i landet förra året för att min man hade varit i Sverige i flera månader och allting arrangerades. Det skulle vara en lycklig semester för mig.

Men snart tog jag en fel väg och stigen försvann under mina fötter – ”Oj”! Jag kom ihåg tillfället när vi förlorade vårt bostadskontrakt och var tvungna att hitta en annan plats om bara en månad. Vilken oro och ångest! Svårt var det att hitta någon som inte var på semester i augusti, för att inte tala om hur vi lärde oss att göra allting på svenska, ett helt nytt språk för oss. Vem visste att man kunde kolla på Blocket så ofta som man kunde fika?! Det var nog som hur jag försökte att hitta min egen stig nu bland taggiga buskar och hala stenar.

Jag svär att berget verkade mycket lägre från mitt rum tidigare. Det mumlade jag till mig själv när plötsligt halkade jag på en klippa, ”Ai!”. Vilken tur att jag var oskadad. Pust! Det var lite pinsamt, men inte så mycket som de oerhört många gånger när jag talade svenska fel. En dag i mitt bostadshus försökte jag hjälpa en pojke som bar många påsar. Han såg förvirrad ut medan jag sa,”kan jag hjelpe dig?” och ännu mer när jag repeterade tre eller fyra gånger. Stackars pojke – även nu springer han snabbt iväg efter han vinkar till mig.

Stigen blev svårare och jag blev väldigt svettig och smutsig. Det tog mycket mer tid än jag förväntade. Som att plugga svenska. Tålamod måste man ha enligt några kompisar, ”Det tar tid.” Det slog mig att ge upp. Varför inte? Många andra hade gjort det. Men det är inte ett alternativ, inte ett bra alternativ i alla fall. Ansträngning krävs det om jag vill bli en riktig del av samhället och inte bara en fluga på väggen. Jag var bestämd att fortsätta klättra upp, ett steg i tåget, precis som hur jag kan lära mig svenska – ett ord i tåget. Det ska hjälpa mig.

När jag äntligen var framme hittade jag en otroligt vacker utsikt på toppen av en stor vit sten. Skolbyggnadens röda tak skimmade och skärgården glittrade i havet långt borta. Ensam var jag men jag kände mig inte ensam. För jag visste att många människor hade hjälpt att bygga stigen som hjälpte mig komma hit. För jag visste också att många mer hade kommit och ska komma hit. Det känns skönt att veta att jag är, som vi är, inte ensam i våra vandringar upp för berget.

Missförstå mig inte – jag älskar att cykla runt landets platta cykelvägar, men vilken fri och öppen känsla här på toppen! Det är ganska fantastiskt med tanke på att jag inte hade kommit upp så högt. ”Om du ska studera på ett internationellt program på engelska”, många hade frågat mig, ”varför vill du lära dig svenska?” Svaret låg precis framför mig – att se mer och se ytterligare. 

När jag kom ner såg jag en gul skylt, ”Här uppe är ett berg med vackra mönster.” Men jag vet att det inte var det viktigaste att nå bergstoppen. Syftet är att hitta våra egna stigar. Syftet är att bli bättre och starkare människor genom våra upplevelser. Oavsett hur jag kom hit ska jag fortsätta klättra stigen upp för berget. Vill du gå med?

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The path up the hill

While I climbed the small hill opposite of the Billströmska Folk High School, I could not help but wonder how I exactly had come here. Maybe my excursion was planned when I came from Malmö two weeks ago? Or maybe my language course was planned when my husband found a job in this ancient and beautiful land? Right. Perhaps my meeting with Sweden was planned when I met my husband, a Dutch man, in Cuba several years ago. That's exactly how I, a Chinese Canadian woman, found myself in the middle of Sweden, just like life has planned. Life moves in a mysterious way, doesn't it?

It was a nice and comfortable summer evening. The sun was shining and a breeze blew along the trail. It felt easy - I could manage it without much effort, I thought. It reminded me of my first weeks in the country last year because my husband had been in Sweden for several months, and everything was arranged. It would be an happy holiday for me.

But soon I took a wrong turn and the trail disappeared under my feet - "Damn!" I remembered the moment when we lost our apartment contract and had to find another place within only a month. Oh, the anxiety! It was difficult to find someone who was not on vacation in August, not to mention how we learned to do everything in Swedish, a whole new language for us. Who knew you could check the housing website as often as you can drink coffee (N.B. Swedes drink a lot of coffee.)?! It was probably like how I tried to find my own path now among thorny bushes and slippery rocks.

I swear that the hill seemed much lower from my room earlier. I mumbled it to myself when suddenly I slipped on a rock, "Ouch!". Luckily I was unhurt. Phew! It was a bit embarrassing, but not as much as the incredibly many times when I spoke Swedish incorrectly. One day at my apartment building, I tried to help a boy who was carrying many bags. He looked confused while I said, "Can I hilp you?" And even more when I repeated three or four times. Poor boy - even now he runs away quickly after he waves to me.

The path was difficult and I was getting very sweaty and dirty. It took much more time than I expected. As for studying Swedish. One must have patience, according to some friends, "It takes time." It occurred to me to give up. Why not? Many others had done it. But it is not an option, not a good option anyway. It is required effort if I want to become a real part of society and not just a fly on the wall. I was determined to continue to climb, step by step, just like how I can learn Swedish - a word at a time. It'll help me.

When I finally arrived, I found an incredibly beautiful view on top of a large white stone. The school building's red roofs shimmered and the archipelago glistened in the sea far away. I was alone, but I did not feel lonely. For I knew that many people had helped to build the path that helped me get here. For I also knew that many more had come and will come here. It feels good to know that I am, just like we are, not alone in our paths up the hill.

Do not get me wrong - I love biking around the country side's flat bike paths, but what a free and open feeling here at the hill top! That's pretty amazing considering that I had not come up very high. "If you will study in an international program in English," many had asked me, "why do you want to learn Swedish?" The answer lay right in front of me - to see more and see further.

When I came down I saw a yellow sign, "Up here is a mountain with beautiful pattern." But I know it was not that important to reach the mountain top. The aim is to find our own paths. The aim is to become better and stronger people through our experiences. No matter how I get here, I'll continue to climb the trail up the mountain. Do you want to join?

Me on the hill top

Speaking (a tiny little) Swedish on Radio!

Speaking of challenges... I am organizing an open house for the Malmö Toastmasters Club, and our PR team did a fantastic job reaching out to the local media outlets. As a result, another club member, Magnus Andersson, and I were given an interview opportunity on the Sveriges Radio (SR) P4 Malmöhus radio station!

It was particularly challenging for me because the interview was mostly conducted in Swedish. In addition, it was live broadcasting, and there was no script! Luckily Magnus did most of the weightlifting - God, he has a gorgeous voice! I understood the conversation somewhat, and actually attempted to speak a little Swedish here and there, and that was nerve-wracking. My head was looping something like this in the first couple of minutes, "Ahhh! *Need to calm down otherwise you won't understand anything.* Ahhhhh!"  Check out the SR article and audio here!

They say be careful of what you wish for, eh? It is so true. :)

"It is F!@&ING challenging!"

"So how do you enjoy life in Sweden?" I remember when the curious question came up from one of Q's friends at a casual Christmas gathering (sans Q, of course). By then I was already midway into my visit in Holland, so admittedly I got a little boring after answering this type of questions. "It is ... challenging", I answered. "Oh, is that a diplomatic way of saying that you hate it but you can't really say it?", the question persisted. It made me smile when people want real meaningful answers and not just some BS - it is Holland after all. :) "No, I mean it is F!@&ING challenging" I emphasized with a even broader smile, and was pleased to see some mildly shocked and definitely satisfied looks. I continued,"It feels like riding a motorcycle on a tricky road full of twists and turns, and I'm loving it."

Okay, no twists or turns here, but snow helps pose as interesting biking condition in Malmö.

A few months back I took one of those super comprehensive personality tests that apparently the HR departments in Scandinavians love using. Out of some 25 scale categories, I ranked "high" for the "Experiences" scale, which shows "how prepared one is to try new activities and be emotionally stimulated by the world". The real surprise to me was in how others can perceive this. "People around them may become frustrated and fatigued by this impulse to always want to try out new things and rarely or never use existing experience or knowledge..."

This reminded me of a story back in 2011 when a friend congratulated me in returning to Toronto. I know the friend meant well and is a most caring person, but the following comment caught me off, "It is about time for you to settle down, eh?"

Then it dawned on me that this friend is not alone in the chorus. I recall several people felt it was a very risky move to, well, move. And some think that it is just a phase thing that I would pass through eventually. The comments almost made me doubt my mental maturity level. Then I realized that I like being immature anyways, so it really doesn't matter, ha!

Back to now and 8 months after moving from Toronto to Sweden, I still don't know what settling down means. I think the thought somewhat terrifies me. I feel that the world is full of roads with twists and turns. Settling down just seems like ... having a beautiful motorcycle - yes, a yellow & black one named Casa for example - and only ride back and forth to the office. Don't worry. It is just a metaphor and not at all what Q does.

Sure, one can experience plenty of new things while still living in the same place... But moving to another country just changes the landscape completely that it is so crazy! I have no choice but to adapt quickly. It is effing challenging and I am learning to enjoy the process more and more.

Sometimes I have to be so focused that I drop other important things in life like blogging for example. Here are some "challenges" that had kept me busy in the past couple of months...

- I promised myself not to work for the first year in Sweden, and I broke that promise - trust me, I really hesitated in breaking it, but it is also important to embrace the opportunities life presents sometimes. Anyway, over January and February, I prepared and taught a 6-week pilot course on public speaking with a small group of participants. It is an fantastic entrepreneurial exercise as I launched it under the talk&awe banner. It was very "challenging" as I set the goal for myself to put together a most fun and rewarding positive learning experience for everyone involved. And what fun and rewarding it was! After receiving some glowing review from the participants, the organizers and I plan to give the course again in mid-April - WOOHOO!

- In February I passed the Swedish National Test for immigrants! The test itself was quite gruelling: lasting over two days including four parts: reading, listening, speaking and writing. It is quite a feat. Now I continue to study on my own while waiting for the next level's class to start. I feel that I built a fairly solid Swedish language foundation, now I just need to build on top of it and keep progressing... which may be a little "challenging" because of the next point...

- Last but not least, I applied for university study and was accepted to the Disaster Risk Management and Climate Change Adaptation master's programme at Lund University. It is a two-year programme, and it was an incredible journey to put together the application package and network to secure the spot. Can't wait to put on my backpack and go back to school in a few months!

Sorry, Toronto - spring is already here in Malmö!

So yes.... Life continues to be challenging and I continue to love it. I wouldn't take it any other way, you know. It is in my blood. And to my/our lovely friends and family, thanks for cheering me/us on!